Mindfulness

I was over 50 before I understood that ruminating thoughts are not helpful. Then I learned how to make those anxiety-riddled, obsessive thoughts go away. When I gained control over my thoughts, instead of them controlling me, I started living my life with more joy. Challenging myself to see the nuggets of truth in situations that upset me, I worked to flip my perspective. Those nuggets suggest the hope of a compromise and lead to forgiveness. They show me my thinking doesn’t have to be all or nothing and reminds me that the person I am upset with deserves the benefit of the doubt. This person who wronged me did the best they could at the moment, and I am still allowed to want better.

The skill of flipping the perspective is a powerful tool. It changes the way I allow myself to process thoughts. No longer are they flying into my head, altering my moods and making me feel depressed, cynical, bitter, or angry. Don’t get me wrong; it isn’t some magical pixie dust sprinkled into my life and poof, living becomes all better. Instead, it requires the careful process of evaluating what I see versus what I assume things to be, and how I judge them. The skill is mindfulness.

It sounds like a hippy-dippy idea from the ’70s about “peace, man.” But I see it as a tool to disembark from that crazy train I jump on the minute someone insults, dismisses, or ignores me. The train that derails my thoughts and reduces them to, ” I am right, how dare that person do that, they don’t know what they are talking about, they never learn!” Before I know it, that train quickly makes its way through the tunnel of, “How could they treat me that way? How could I have handled this better (to make them feel as badly as I do)?” The final destination on this train- Victim Station: “Why am I always treated this way? What is wrong with me? Why don’t I stand up for myself? This person always does this to me, and it isn’t fair. I hate my life, and I hate that person.”

Mindfulness was a foreign concept for me. I had a hard time wrapping my mind around how it could help. When my family was at the height of our crisis with my son, I wanted answers fast. Trying to speed past the mindfulness sections in DBT books and classes, I didn’t want to look at a flower and describe it. It was more important to me to learn how to create peace where chaos and conflict reside. I grew resentful because while I wanted to only focus on learning new ways to help my son, it felt we were wasting so much valuable time on something as simple as breathing, observing, and meditation. The clock is ticking, people! Let’s get to the real skills I need in life!

I carried a lot of judgment with me. Although a case can be made for judgment being a necessary tool to learn from others’ mistakes, it can also be a habitual practice that taints our perceptions. So the more impatient and judgmental I was about why I didn’t need to learn mindfulness, the more I required it.

Slowly I opened my mind to mindfulness. It was excruciating to slow down and learn how to notice and describe without judgment. I was more hung up on imagining when and where it will ever be helpful to describe what I see versus solving the problem. But I noticed how important the skill must be because of it consistently being taught first in DBT. And I listened when the experts said all the other skills depend on learning mindfulness. It took a while before I figured out that the ability to be mindful would save my relationships.

I worked on observing my thoughts. It was more of an exercise in noticing the little things, “Oh, I quit paying attention to this conversation...” I began noticing when I was no longer in the present moment. Much to my surprise, I drifted off more frequently than I realized. I either worried about situations or dwelled over injustices done to me. Sometimes, I drifted off into wondering what will happen in the future.

However, once I observed when I wasn’t in the moment, I learned to refocus and return to the moment at hand. Those beginning skills of describing flowers are like crawling before you walk. Both are forward motion activities, but crawling comes first for a reason. Crawling develops muscles and coordination necessary for walking. Observing and describing are the foundational skills to master before learning how to deescalate stressful situations. And the best way I learned how to do that was by being calm and present in each moment.

I am by no means an expert at mindfulness, but I will say that when I am off balance, I head out to weed my garden. That is my little mindfulness spot. I get on my hands and knees, my nose is inches from fragrant herbs, and my hands comb through the cool, moist soil as I pull weeds. Basil, mint, and sage envelop me while birds chirp. I feel the sunshine on my back. I am calm at that moment and appreciate those things without worrying about problems, without rehashing arguments in my mind, without anxiety, instead, with genuine peace.